Mad Props!!

Ok, so Mike from Bicycle World... Dude is a great, big WIN!!  Regardless of what goes on from here, I have never received service like this before.  If you live in Houston and you ride a bike, this is your shop.  Trust me on this.

Another note worth mentioning:  Felt, the company, another impressive response.  I got my brain in a giant twist yesterday trying to discern everything I needed to know about clamps and shims and stems galore, degrees of drop or not, forward sweeps and upward stacks, carbon and aluminum in red or black, shifters and brakes, green eggs and ham, Sam I am.  SO I did what any ruffled feathered duck would do... I freaked and contacted Felt.  Amazingly, I received an email response immediately.  I am not talking a business day or two, I am talking as soon as they opened and some nice man named Justin clocked in (that is lightspeed- not the brand- considering I sent the email basically in the middle of the night.)

Credit where credit is due.  Working my way back to the goal.  Pedal lots, sweat lots, forget the world while you discover it.  The rest doesn't matter.

Traverse City, 2013

Shaved Legs Are Better Than Prozac.

Today was spent in a bike shop.  I am once again in love.

About 48 hours ago, the bike bug bit me again and I suddenly wanted to be out on the road more than anything else.  Getting the bike repaired has gone all the way to the top of the priority list.  I miss my baby.

I will be replacing the cockpit that you see here.

It's amazing what a day spent thinking in millimeters and grams while rubbing elbows with skinny dudes who shave their legs will do for a girl.  My whole attitude has been coming around in the last 48 hours and today was a really good day.  I was energized and passionate about things.  Of course it I am now exhausted and ready for bed... but hey, it's progress.

I managed to work up a head of steam when the first two shops I tried were less than helpful and more than a little condescending.  Here is the quote from the twitter feed: Dear Arrogant Bike Shop Guy, Patronize me for one more second and I am going to rip this bent base bar off my bike and beat you senseless with it. I may not have DZsNutZ but I still have a clue, you knuckle dragging dickwickle.  But the important part is that I got worked up.  I haven't had that much energy in a while.  I haven't cared enough... until today.

The third and final shop I tried was wonderful.  It was a chain, Bicycle World of Houston, but when I walked in, it had a small local shop feel with a dedicated knowledgeable dude named Mike who pretty much rocked.  He took measurements, he considered angles, he noted every detail of what I liked and did not like about my current set up.  We chatted about bikes.  I showed him the picture of my broken shoe.  It was a happy day for the duck.

I'm still proud of this.  It takes real effort to break shoes like this!

I have a load of information to consider since there will be some changes made to the cockpit when the bar gets replaced.  It does appear that the bike did not fit correctly in the cockpit and that the handling and balance may have been compromised.  I can't say that this is the entire reason for the crashes but it was certainly not doing me any favors.  It appears that we can do quite a bit with the fit to improve the handling of the bike.  Thank goodness.  I think that if nothing else, even believing that I've improved things will help.  I haven't been on the bike since the last crash and need all the confidence I can get.

Hopefully I can be back on the road within the next 10 days.  While I wish I had not waited thirty days to start the repairs, I am not sorry that I waited until my desire returned.  I am still a little weak but getting better each day and now I am seeing my passion for the sport returning.  While I had not said much about it, I think the most distressing part of all of this was the total loss of desire.  Part of me wondered if it was going to come back.  Now I know for sure that it is.

Quoting Marilyn.

These last few months have been hard in many different ways.  The outcome of it all in regards to triathlon includes but is not limited to a complete failure of my racing plans, multiple injuries, exhaustion, ongoing fatigue, the breakdown of my support system, and finally a breakdown of my daily workout routine.  I feel like I have spent the last two months trying to turn into the skid and now I have just run out of road.

While I am going through the motions of figuring out my next step and trying to go forward, I realize that I am totally paralyzed.  There is no real momentum.  People keep offering helpful, but often off base suggestions (last night someone suggested that taking a boxing class would cure what ails me) and with each friendly deflection, I am finding myself less able to maintain any humor or positivity.  The fault is not with the people or their suggestions, the problem is mine.  I am not running under my own power, my own motivation right now.  Until that is happening again, there is no true solution to the problem.

At time is seems like I simply need more rest and healing time, at other times it seems like I need a freakin' intervention.  I read a post in an online forum discussing depression and the endurance athlete.  A lot of opinions weighed in as it was a fairly unstructured conversation, but one comment stuck with me.  At the risk of mushing a toe under the boot of plagiarism, here is the entire comment:

"I'm no clinician but my take is that so many endurance athletes, especially those at the professional/elite/even top AG level truly must make this "sport" a "lifestyle" in order to be competitive. Just look at weekly training hours for those aforementioned groups, and then think about all the other variables excellence demands; early bed-times, lots of couch time, etc, etc. Given that the sport becomes a lifestyle, it also becomes a big part of one's identity; ask lots of serious endurance athletes what they are, and my guess is that you hear often hear husband/wife, father/mother, triathlete/runner, accountant/engineer. 


So, it follows that when you disrupt a part of someone's identity, they are likely to become depressed (not sure all the reasons, but it's certainly true) which is why I think that so many athletes start showing signs of depression when they are injured, during the off-season when they are not training, or when they retire, because that big part of their identity goes away, which I would guess creates a lot of cognitive dissonance. 


I think that is why it is important to be mindful of the balance that must be struck between completely giving your all for/into something (good thing IMO) but also, not allowing any one thing to become your identity (also good thing, IMO), which can be at odds with each other (no magic recipe here). 


Lots of good ideas have already been thrown out here re; getting involved in coaching, supplying, etc when time comes not to compete, or for some, it may mean completely stepping away and finding something else. "  -Bstulberg

I have highlighted the part that I think is at the crux of the problem for me right now.  I am not a wife, mother, triathlete, braider.  I am a triathlete who braids to pay the bills.  I also am a bed warmer for a Jack Russell Terrier.  At this point in my life, I am not much else.  My job and lifestyle inflicts so much isolation that triathlon has become the central focus of my life.  I cannot run right out and buy a life, a new career, or a loving relationship.  It just doesn't work that way.

Initially, I was able to stay focused on how not training or doing something more remedial was just another way to make myself a better, more solid athlete.  In the wake of the dissolution of my coaching relationship, though, I am having trouble finding focus.  With the loss of focus has been a loss of motivation.  Intellectually, I recognize this as a rough patch, I have been through them before, and I know there are better times ahead.  Marilyn said "good things fall apart so better things can fall together".  This has always been true in my experience with one caveat.  You have to stay active in trying to move to a better place.  Losing momentum derails progress completely.

Right now, this is the way things are and to make sweeping changes based on a degree of discomfort would probably lead to regretting those decisions.  It is better to be lonely than in bad company.  I cannot and to a degree would not, change the situation.  This is just a patch of rough ground and it would be a shame to quit just because it is hard.  It is easy to look around at other people's lives, their journey's and think that they had smooth sailing from moment one.  I doubt that is really the case.  It's just that we don't always post the true struggle to facebook.  Life's challenges are personal, often private things and that cannot be contested by anyone but yourself.

Essentially, the situation boils down to this:  I am feeling around in the dark, looking for my bootstraps.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe

Ah, So It Has Come To This.

A friend of mine says that the perfect response to a bad turn of events is to say "Ah, so it has come to this..."

"Ah, so it has come to this..." followed by the thunk of the guillotine.

"Ah, so it has come to this..."  followed by the clatter of the gallows door.

Dude's havin' a really bad day.

"Ah, so it has come to this..." followed by your newly minted ex deciding to take up residence in a tent in the back yard.  (Oh, is THAT ever a story!)

"Ah, so it has come to this..."  followed by the amicable termination of a coaching relationship.

I would rather break up with my ex again.  That was an easier decision.

The "this" that it has come to is that my circumstances have changed and we are no longer meeting each others needs.  DW is an elite coach who coaches elite athletes to spectacular finishes.  I am a broken down duck that needs something a lot more basic.  With everything that has happened, this is the last thing I want to be dealing with, but as was probably true with the above speakers in the guillotine, gallows, and tent, sometimes life doesn't take your personal preferences into account.  At least I am not sleeping in a tent.

For those readers who know what I am talking about... your daily laugh was provided by www.runslikeaduck.blogspot.com.

For those that do not, I promise to post that story.

When Stopping Is Progress

I am facing some really tough decisions right now.  None of them are cut and dry.  None of them are easy.  None of them are anything but shades of grey.  I hate decisions like that.  That's really as specific as I can get tonight.  I just wanted to whine about it.

Yesterday was the Frankenworkout.  I ran 15 mins, then did a nice long weights session, followed by a swim.  The total workout time was completely respectable, though I cut the swim short at 1200 yds when my shoulder started complaining.  It felt awesome to get a good solid, endorphin producing workout done.  In fact, today I am sore and love it!

Today I just did a short swim.  Really short.  As in blink and you missed it short.  1500 sad, sorry little yards.  I had planned to do 600 wu (200 swim, 100 kick, 100 pull, 200 swim), 10x100 at lively pace (nothing specific these days, just focusing on turnover, catch, and reducing dead spots), 500 swim/cool down.  I made it to the 8th 100 and my shoulder started to hurt so I threw in 50 with a kick board to rest my shoulder, then tried to resume but after another 50 I knew it was time to throw in the towel.  You know what I did?  I stopped.  That may be progress unto itself.

hardest thing to do sometimes

Live to fight another day.

Baby Steps

Baby steps... That's all I've got right now.

Always look for the rainbow.

When you have a total breakdown of your body and training, you take a very hard look at the foundation.  For sure, there were some unavoidable circumstances but they are more of a distraction than anything.  They distract from the fatigue and exhaustion at the end of the season, the IT band and knee that REFUSE to heal.  The shoulder that has dogged me through every yard in the pool, every braid, every mane pull since June... that too.

There is no doubt that I am very strong.  It takes at least one partially functioning eye to see that.  I am no longer muscle-bound but still much more stacked than the average endurance junkie.  That is a gift/curse from genetics.  I can push a monster gear on a bike and push it at a high cadence.  I can (usually) stabilize the bike even in strong winds. I have a strong pull in the water.  OK, so maybe my kick in running is more of the fend off an assailant kind than the propel yourself at speed kind but... whatever.  Point being, there is muscle on this frame... and a LOT of it.

So, how come I am so weak?  Why am I freakishly flexible in spite of being all muscle-y?  Because I have "hypermobile" joints (you'd have to ask someone smarter than me exactly what that means).  It's why they break so much.  The connective tissue stretches before the muscle tissue.  I have had many endurance experts steer me away from strength training and towards flexibility training because of my muscle mass but that is not the right answer.  It is the opposite of the right answer.  I think the right answer may be pairing massage/bodywork and ART/ Chiro with corrective strength training.

I also think I need to go back to basics in all three sports.  For as much of a foundation as was laid last year, it wasn't enough.  I am looking back over a short season where I really only made it to one race as planned.  I did make it to a second, but had to shorten it to a sprint because the knee was so painful.  And that anorexic little season nearly killed me.   SO.... it back to the drawing board.  It's back to basics.  There was a point this summer when things were clicking (and I mean in more ways than just my knee)... WHAT A GREAT FEELING!!  I totally believed it was going to happen, that I was going to realize my full potential as an athlete, but it was the definition of a fleeting (fleet?  Did I really just use that term in reference to my running?  HAH!) moment.  I really want to get back to that point but when I get back there, I want the moment to last.

I still believe it is possible, but it is more of a puzzle than I thought.  I should have known.  My history indicates that this is the case but there for a minute, a simple approach seemed to be working.

My job and lifestyle complicate everything.  Right now the challenge is not just figuring out what I need to do to be successful, but how to do it with the time and resources that I have.  It sounds easy but somehow, it is not.  I think it can be done.  I am going to give it my best effort.  The alternative is something that I have already tried... sick, fat, broken.  No thank you.  Not for this duck.

Runs like a....

Success Illustrated

Sidekicks Exraordinaire

I started working again last night.  I had totally underestimated the physical toll it would take but it was good to be back in it.  Unless a person does my job, they have no ability to fully grasp the role our dogs play in our lives.  With all the traveling and isolation, they become a lot more than a pet.  They are a sidekick, companion, friend, confidant, protector, and the only consistent "person" in our lives.  The job brings with it a brutal loneliness that cannot be emphasized enough.  The only answer is to manage it the best way you can.  For many of us, our dogs are the key to doing that.  They become a part of our identities and an extension of ourselves.   (Now many psychologists are probably having fits over this paragraph but I think that talking to my dog is far preferable to talking to my beer or my prescription bottle or my imaginary friend.  We all just do the best that we can.)  I don't mean to say that a dog is as significant a loss as a member of a persons immediate family… unless you are one of those people for whom your dog IS your immediate family.  Being at work last night was cathartic.  Everyone understood.  Everyone got it.  They treated me gently and kindly and for that I am grateful.

Little guy has some BIG shoes to fill!

I am taking yet another day off from my workouts, making three in a row, but my body had nothing left to give after a night of braiding.  I am torn since I don't think there is a lot to be accomplished by pushing myself into workouts right now but the mental clarity that comes as a result of a good workout would be an asset at the moment.  However, I am substituting aimless miles for true rest and since the shoulder and ITBS is still a raging problem, maybe the best thing that will be a starting point a little further down the road that is not carrying so much of the season's baggage.

DW and I talked yesterday.  I found myself barely able to get through the conversation without breaking down, though I found that my traitorous voice was all too willing to crack and betray me!!  His verdict was that I needed some time, however long it took, to heal and come back to the game fresh and eager.  Until that point, there was to be no focus on training but rather recreation, activity for the sake of enjoyment.   Honestly, I was crushed… and pissed… and a whole bunch of other things that were probably no more appropriate to this than those two.  I am simply taking some unstructured time in the off season.  WHY do I feel like I am being punished or sent away?

By mid-August this year, I was looking at races and already starting to struggle.  It wasn't everyday.  It was sometimes, a bad workout here or there, a really rough night at work, a subtle loss of motivation manifesting as procrastination or even a little fear going into harder workouts.  I didn't recognize the shift in motivation from passion and desire to determination and stubbornness.  As a shift worker, it was all too easy to discount the implication of that extra cup of coffee that it took to get through the night.  I was so focused on getting good rest I never stopped to ask myself why I was sleeping more and more, and yet not waking up refreshed.  By the beginning of September, I was bargaining with myself to just keep it together and get through the planned races.  After that, I could take some MUCH NEEDED downtime.  The off season was dangling out in October there like a big, tasty carrot.

Now, I am getting it but under really different circumstances and that seems to be all the difference.  I had planned to come to end of the planned race season fit and with a sense of accomplishment, reward myself with a little free time, have some fun then get down to the business of working on my run, doing a few running races for fun and experience, and revisiting the swim lessons that were helping to dredge some of the bad habits from my stroke technique.  Instead, well… you know the "instead".

I'll be honest, my reaction to the decision was a mix of frustration and anger.   If the stages of grief are accurate then I seem to be fluctuating between depression and acceptance.  I was looking forward to getting myself back on a program and back to work, using my job and training as a distraction.  I was hoping to use the structure of my workouts and the endorphins that follow to combat the depression.  I am acutely aware of the fact that I am in no shape mentally to really limit my diet to compensate for the sudden loss of training volume, so that was adding to my impatience as well.  Turns out, I am not in control of how this is going to go down.

No one said this was supposed to be easy.

If I believe myself and all the claims that I have made, this is a lifestyle not a diet/exercise "program".  My training is not centered on a single race, a single season, or a single goal.  If I am in this for the long haul, then this, like all the good times, is just another paver.  I will come out of this.  I may gain a couple of lbs, I WILL lose some fitness.  But this, like all things is temporary.  I am further along than I was at this point last year and my foundation going into next year is broader and stronger.  To allow my insecurities to drive my into bad decisions now is going to chip away at that base far more than taking the time I need to return rested, healed, and refreshed.

I am reminded of a diagram that I posted at an earlier point, illustrating the path to success.  It applies to triathlon and it applies to life.  I thought you might enjoy it.

Success Illustrated.