Wake Up Call

Last week was something of an epic fail for me physically.  I am not really sure what happened but either I got into some gluten (or some allergen I haven't identified??) and was not aware... and had a really powerful reaction, or the stress I put my body under on Tuesday caused a flare up of the autoimmune symptoms.  I don't know.  I won't ever know, most likely.  The fact remains, it happened and I was very sick all week.

In dealing with the details I do have, the latter explanation is the most likely and going with that is my only real option.  I spoke to DW today, like I do every Monday, and it was a raw conversation, full of honesty and very eye opening.  We talked at length about the changes I need to make to attempt to manage my health with my job and balance triathlon in the mix.  The biggest thing is my tendency to prioritize my health, physical and especially mental, very low on the list and that needs to stop.

Diet is a big thing (that means preparing safe foods and eating in a reasonable, regular pattern), but so is sleep and keeping a consistent schedule.  It's not very exciting but in order to treat these symptoms and manage the inflammation in my body, I have to make sameness a part of my routine.  That means everything from planning my meals throughout the week to setting boundaries with my customers and coworkers so that I can have as constant a work/sleep schedule as possible.  Applying the same discipline and stubbornness that I reserve for my training to self-care and self-respect.  I have to muster the mindfulness to eat, sleep, work, and train on a constant schedule.  I need to care for myself and with the same intensity and professionalism I provide to my customers.  My health and well-being must become and stay my top priority.  Without that, I will do nothing else... well, or at all.

We also discussed acknowledging and honoring my need for downtime, me-time, when I am off the hook.  No demands can be made of me and that time is mine to spend as I wish.  Right now, I get to the end of the week with my mental fortitude expended.  I feel run down, exhausted and "under the whip".  It means that while I get my workouts done on my days off, I may not get anything else done.  I literally get so over scheduled that I rip me time out of the schedule at the expense of things like laundry and grocery shopping.  I mentally shut down and disassociate from life.

WHY?  Because I am forcing productivity out of myself even when I am totally sick and exhausted and I am doing it entirely on will power.  I work on it, train on it, take care of my dogs on it, never say no to anyone because I know I can make myself do it.  Until I can't anymore and the only thing I am willing to sacrifice is chores, personal time and my social life.  Work and training are too important... one pays the bills, the other makes me happy.

DW said to me today that my current life was not sustainable.  If I did not make some fundamental changes that I could "kiss triathlon good-bye".  That was a huge wake up call.  Especially since I know he's right.  Too right.  That terrifies me.

But then so does my health.  My fathers family has a colorful history of serious GI conditions and his sister and her daughters health is a mirror image of my own.  I do not know if he had Celiac's but he certainly struggled with GI health daily.  I suspect that he did.

I am two years older than he was when he ran Western States.  I am eight years younger than he was when he died.  That would be the definition of "not sustainable".  (RIP Dad.  I love you and miss you still.)

Today, the silver lining is that I see this.  I have a plan to deal with this.  I spent the day, as I will spend at least one of my days off every week from now on, preparing for next week.  I cleaned.  I went to the grocery.  I spent a little time visiting with a friend.  I ran and will here shortly head to the pool (open until midnight for all of the crazy night owls like me).  I contacted dietitians.  I wrote myself reminders.  I took tangible steps towards fixing the problem.  I put notes on duct tape on the fridge!

My fridge with my mantras

Stress, overwork, lack of nutrition and unstable sleep patterns are bad for anyone.  If you have to manage any kind of autoimmune condition, it is toxic, deadly.  As of today, I am changing my focus and perspective to one that prioritizes my well-being above all else.  Without my health I cannot train, I cannot work.  I am no good to anybody.

The devil is in the details, the simple, little, day to day details.   I am no longer willing to sacrifice everything just to please another person or simply because being organized is hard.  I must stop living like I am about to die.  I am worth more than that.

The Duck is Stuck.

The turmoil ridden events of the last several months have caused a big setback in my fitness.  Overwork and stress led to exhaustion and depression.  All this led to an injury that has kept me benched in the running department for a while. 

But that is not it.  That is what I tell myself and others, but that is not it.

My new job is prompting a move to California.  I love Florida and have known greater happiness and success here than any other place I have lived.  My old job caused me great injury and the horrendous schedule damaged my life, my body, and my training, but it was also something I understood.  I knew how to be resourceful and make a living with that job.  As much as it sucked, I trusted it.  My new job requires me to expand and grow to be successful.  I have to master new skills and live a forward thinking life.

  I read somewhere that all endurance athletes are running from something.  I can't say that I am the exception to that. 

California is where I grew up, so going there is a little like going back... something I have never done.  I have to go back and the only thing I associate with my past is pain.  I have been paralyzed in my own life lately.  I am not earning (though it is the off season down here and my earning potential here is small.... hence the move, but I am not trying either).  All I can think about is the move but I feel like I am encased in cement indecision. 

The worst part is that I realize that I am not going to be able to do the move without help.  I don't know who I will ask, or for what, but I will have to hold my hat out and ask for aid.  That is not easy for me. 

The last week has been an exercise in the art of escapism.  Thankfully, I have not decided to go on a whiskey or cookie binge, or something equally self-destructive.  Rather, I am hiding.  I am watching TV (on the computer).  I never watch TV.  That is why I don't have a TV. 

I thought about cancelling Netflix, but then I would just pick up a book, or a magazine, or something.  It's not about the escape vehicle, it's what you are running from that needs to be fixed. 

Normally, I dive into my workouts but this time I am avoiding them.  Not the solo workouts, the group workouts... the workouts that I live for... the ones I love. 

I think I am pulling away from everything because I am scared.  I am scared of the pain I am going to feel when I tear myself away from everything I love here.  I am scared that I will fail and yet that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy soon if I do not get my shit together.  But then I think that is it.  I am scared.  So scared that I am putting my head in the sand.  I am pretending that life is not marching forward with me in tow.  I have emotionally curled into the fetal position and declared that I cannot do this.  I am not this strong.

Problem is that I am also a master of putting one foot in front of the other.  Moving like a zombie through the hardest parts of life just to keep going.  And I am continuing forward.  I am slowly packing.  I did put in notice with my building.  I am severing ties with the life I have here. 

The problem is that I am waiting on something to begin establishing ties to my new life there, starting with renting an apartment.  That is the reason for the increasing sense of both panic and rootlessness. 

Why am I not renting an apartment and booking the move?  Because I am waiting on my boss to provide the trailer I am supposed to use to transport my things across the country.  Until I know when I will have that, I don't know when I will move out.  The trip across the country will take about 8 days and most landlords will only hold a unit for 7-14 days.  After that I am paying rent on an empty unit which I cannot afford to do. 

So, it is like I am stuck at the starting line and the race just won't begin.  The pre-race jitters are starting to overwhelm me.

That is it. 

But my foot also hurts, which hardly helps.