Go West, Young Duck, GO WEST!!

Driving directions:  Follow the ocean for about a day, hang a left at the Gulf of Mexico, drive into the sunset for what feels like eternity, when you see the man that actually looks GOOD in wranglers, boots, and a stetson, stop.  You found Texas.

Yup, I did it. I arrived at the finish line.  I am heading west tomorrow.  Of course, that just means I get two hours from home and start a three week horse show, so it's more like T2 than the finish line, but...... LALALALALA.... not listening!!  Only thinking about being done here.

My final week in FL is less of a triumphant victory and more of a whimpering survival.  I don't think I have yet recovered from three weeks of insomnia.  I am sleeping again but overall feel fairly weak.  Each day gets a little better but I am still relying on massive doses of caffeine to get through a work night and my athletic performance has been tragic, to say the least.

The last couple of weeks have been debilitating mentally.  What I held together when everything was going crazy in my life, I have lost control of now that the crisis has passed.  I had night after night where I was feeling alarming symptoms, almost heart attack-like.  It finally dawned on me that I was having anxiety attacks over and over.   I haven't had one of those in years.  Unlike the last time I dealt with it, there was no obvious precipitating event, just a 15 months of extreme stress, a few weeks of crisis, and three weeks of insomnia.

Fatigue.  Fatigue is the real culprit here.  It undermines your ability to cope and the effect just snowballs.  It will turn you into a person you do not recognize.  I don't cry.  I have broken down in tears several times lately.  I don't scream at service people no matter how much they may deserve it.  I had a full exorcist moment at the Ford service department a few days ago.  It's not pretty.  I told DW that I hated running.  I don't hate running.  (I hate sucking at it.)  I realized I sounded like a petulant little child and that night I had a dream that he fired me as a client.  I have eaten potato chips instead of my balanced meals several nights at work because I needed to rebel against the discipline that was making me put one foot in front of the other every day.  Now I feel fat AND tired.  This is not helping, but they were pretty tasty.

Still, I guess if the goal was to integrate my work and athletics, I did that.  I also got a sobering dose of reality.  This is really hard and it is not going to get easier.  I am going to have to plan breaks into my year to recover and train.  There are already breaks in the calendar because that is the nature of the job but I need to focus on making those count.  I am also going to have to take a night off once in a while.  The one thing I know for sure is that I don't want to give up.  For all of the whining, having this training program has added a dimension of stability and purpose (remember I am not married or in any relationship, don't have kids or other family members to care for and support, don't at the moment even have ties to my community.  I have this.) to my working life.  My job is like a choking vine that cuts you off from the real world, takes over your sense of identity, and leaves you with a miserable, broken existence.  I see it everywhere I look, especially amongst braiders.  Right now, triathlon is what is standing between me and complete surrender to the horse show world.  (A top trainer once asked me "are you sure you are a braider?  You are just... so NORMAL.")

I tried to organize tonight night off so that I would be rested for tomorrows drive but that didn't work out.  I am disappointed, but that is mostly because I had my heart set on catching the LBS ride right before I had to leave.  Between my crazy schedule and DW focused training plan, I have not gotten to join that ride (the one where I learned most of what I know about riding hard and paceline work) since I came back down here.  That is a huge bummer, but one that I will survive.  It would have been a great way to end this trip on a good note.  (Note... there were about four more paragraphs here that were not saved when the internet went down and the resulted in the computer locking up.  They are critical to this post having a theme and a message and not just being a big WHINE FESTIVAL.  Unfortunately, I was really "in the zone" when I wrote them and now I can't recall exactly how I put this together.  So in lieu of intelligent thought, I am just going to offer up some cheese and crackers.)

I have a run on the books for this afternoon and I'll be honest I am kind of dreading it.  My last run was, ahem, tortoise-like.  My average pace was nearly two full minutes off what I had been doing and it felt terrible.  I ached all over and my legs felt like cold sides of beef.  My psychology requests a solid effort from my body but last I checked my body wasn't taking requests.  My plan is to just go through the motions, if that is what it takes, for the next three weeks and once I am home in Austin, hit the trails and leave the Garmin Overlord at home.  Remember what a good run feels like when it is done just for fun.  I also know that my attitude will improve tremendously once I am able to do the types of workouts that help you to track progress.  I don't like stagnation and right now, it is taking all my effort to just hold my ground.  It is amazing that I can be giving my all to something and still be impatient with the pace of the progress.

I talked to DW before he headed to Puerto Rico (Good luck DW, blazing fast wife KW,  and any other athletes you may have there!) and I was in a particularly black mood.  I was having trouble seeing past the inside of my own skull and hopefully I did not let him in on my dark little secret... I am actually BAT-SH*T CRAZY!  He is excellent a putting everything into perspective.  At some point, this storm will pass and I will be grateful for all of the bad runs, frustrating trainer sessions, achy swims that I did when I just wanted to say "screw it".  All of the effort I am channeling into putting one foot in front of the other right now will be recognized when I don't have to make up for a big backslide in my progress.  For the moment, going forward is like riding into a strong headwind.  I may not be getting very far but at least I am not losing ground.  When the time comes, I will be ready to push off this foundation and see some results.

I feel like I am standing at the top of a mountain looking across the miles to another mountain top with the valley below shrouded in clouds.  I know that is where I need to go, but I have no idea what I will face along the road through the valley along the way.

I have used this analogy before but it is so appropriate to my life right now that I am saying it again.  I know where I want to go, I know how I want my life to look in a few years.  I have a clear picture of the goal, even if I have shared the full scope of it with NO ONE!  If I look at the top of that mountain, I stay focused on the goal.  If I look at the dirt under my feet, I stay in the moment (and don't trip over as many rocks).  If I look at the actual distance between me and my intended destination, it seems so overwhelming.  Right now, I am trusting that I will have what it takes to arrive there, though I am aware that like so many things in life, I probably don't know what I have gotten myself into.

Hopefully by the time I post again, the Airstream and I will have arrived safely in Texas.  Happy trails!

Century Post!

It nearing the end of the season in Florida.  This horse show has, as it always is, been totally grueling.  We are all worn down and exhausted.  The horses are tired and cranky.  People are starting to fall apart and details are getting overlooked.  Two weeks ago a competitor was killed in the warm-up arena.  Last week I passed another braider who was crying in her car not sure how she could get through the night.  This week I found out that another had a serious breakdown and is headed home while yet another ended up having an ambulance called for her after collapsing due to dehydration and a possible blood clot.  Last night I encountered a competitor who was drunk and locked out of her rental car in the pouring rain.  Rather than let me call her a cab, she broke the window in frustration and drove off.

I am a little numb but doing okay.

I am grateful tonight for the changes in my life.

I am grateful that I made the decision to respect myself and my limitations.

I suddenly view the damage to my left hand as a blessing as it has made it impossible to work the grueling hours on the ladder that I have in past years.

I may not have made the money I would have liked but I am alive, well, sane, and I have successfully maintained my training through the Winter Equestrian Festival, the longest and arguably hardest equestrian event in the world.

It's not over yet but I see the finish line and I know I am going to make it.   Next week is my last week in Florida.  Then I head to Houston for a grueling three day week horse show that runs back to back six day stretches so there is no day off.  It is the biggest show on the Texas calendar.  But if I maintain the level of self care that I have thus far, I will survive it too.  Then I go home.

I am ready to go home.

This is the Duck's 100th post.  I am a very different person than I was when I started this blog.  I just reread my original post and got a good chuckle.   I aspired to update it daily (HA!) and didn't see an ounce of athletic virtue in myself.  A lot has happened in that time and the differences in me are both small and profound.  I am not sure if I am substantially faster, fitter, or thinner (I am at least some of each), though I have a level of consistency in my life I have never enjoyed before.  I believe in myself and my own possibility.  I just trained through WEF.  Last year I had no posts and virtually no training during this period.  I also took a massive virtual and physical hiatus during my summer busy season due to injury and being overwhelmed.  This year I am learning how to balance my life.  I am happier than I have ever been, though I still whine a lot in these pages (my blog, my prerogative!)  Most importantly, I feel empowered to risk everything to live my life on my terms.  I have started to change and it no longer scares me.  I also know that I need to center my life around my passion, my health, my terms.

"You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore." -Christopher Columbus (and he would know!)

In my life, I am preparing to make room for some substantial change.  I am preparing to let the shore slip beyond the horizon.

It's the Duck's CENTURY post!!  Stick around.  It only gets better.

Whoo hoo!

Here's to being BATMAN!!

A Duck In Winter

After a couple of rough nights at work, the result of careless nutrition and sketchy sleep patterns, I slept well today.  The RV park decided to repave the road under my window while I was sleeping today.  I woke up to the noise long enough to think "Oh great!  Now I'll never get back to slee..... ZzzzZzzzzZzzz."  Isn't exhaustion a beautiful thing?

I also need to mention that while my life has been a little intense with the start of the horse show, the camper gremlins have been mercifully quiet (and yes, I just knocked on wood!).  So far, life in a vintage Airstream has proven, well, nice.  There is certainly a lot of though that needs to be given to placement and storage, as well as discipline when it comes to tidying the work/living space often.  But as with nutrition awareness, that mindfulness is a skill I need to cultivate anyhow.  I see this lifestyle as good for me.  On the upside, 200+ square feet is easy to clean if you do let it get dirty.

There is another airstream that has all kinds of plastic flamingos two spaces down from me.  They even have black skeleton flamingos.  Kinda weird, but I definitely feel like the Tri Cave is not keeping up the standards right now.  I wonder if I can get swim-bike-run flamingos?  I also wonder if they have bicycle light strands.  All the cool campers have light strands.  Ooof, seems complicated.  Maybe I'll just settle for a potted plant.

Florida: A1A at sunset taken from the bike

Anyhow, after pondering how I could rearrange my schedule so that I did not have to ride indoors on the trainer, I realized that even though it's 78 degrees outside, it IS January.  Being in the tropics doesn't change the fact that daylight hours are scarce and sometimes you just have to SUCK IT UP!!  I haven't been on the trainer (except the computrainer at the Doghouse) since I got to Florida.  I also realized that while I was feeling sorry for myself because my 3rd shift hours mean that I sleep away these beautiful days, every office worker in the world is no better off.  They spend the time indoors.

Biking in Michigan in July 

Trail running in NC in January

Broad River: taken on a trail run in January

I guess I have very little to complain about, since my job allows me the flexibility to often adapt my work schedule to accommodate the things I want to do and takes me to the most beautiful places in the country.  I get nice weather year round and a variety of training conditions to work with.  Not exactly suffering.  A little gratitude, as well as a little fortitude (get thee on thy bicycle) might be just what this duck needs.

I still miss home, though!!

Austin's skyline and Town Lake Trail

WHO Puts WHEAT in Almond Butter!?!?

Yesterday was a good day.  Had another run-in with that wall during some threshold intervals.  I am convinced that the culprit is nutrition (more on that in a moment).  Still, I recovered quickly and got to play in NYC for the day with MVF, the cycling fiend.  For a change, we wore things like denim and wool instead of spandex and well, more spandex.  We knocked around all day, walking everywhere, and finished up with an opera at the Met!  It was sublime!  Then we concluded the day with a crazy 34 block speed session to catch a train!

Today, I started the day with swim that got postponed from yesterday (with DW blessing) to facilitate the trip.  I actually felt ok.  It took forever to warm up but then I felt stronger with each set.  A big relief after so many workouts this week feeling so rough.  Then I ran some errands, including grocery shopping, and headed home for lunch.

I couldn't find my usual brand of almond butter or sunflower butter, not uncommon when you are traveling, so I grabbed another that wasn't too terribly expensive.  When I got home I made a quick sandwich with gluten free bread and some apple slices.  I was ravenous and it needed to be quick.  The almond butter had flax in it, but that is okay, and I didn't think a thing of it until I got the splitting headache and my stomach swelled to "seven months along and it might be twins" proportions.  THEN, I read the label.  WHEAT germ.  Damn.

I have been really struggling and suspect that the poor performance and digestion this week may be due to the chronic, low-grade irritation that my system is getting from preparing food in a VERY contaminated kitchen.  I just felt deficient all week.  It was like I hadn't refueled after my last workout... but I had.  Now I am hoping that I can get things quieted down in time to finish what is on the schedule for today.  Ugh!

I cannot let my guard down like that.  The price has gotten too high.  I have a choice.  I can either continue to muck around inside my own head, not doing the right things nutritionally, or I can get it together.  I will not get as fit as I hope to if I do not figure this out.

Of course, this is why I got the Airstream.

I have 38 weeks of traveling ahead of me and I can't keep getting sick.  When I leave my mother's house after Christmas and pick up the camper, I need to go through it and clean it thoroughly.  And then I need to make my well-being my number one priority, no matter who thinks it is silly, is inconvenienced (including me), thinks I'm being hysterical or high maintenance or a baby... Those judgements will not keep me healthy.   Only I can do that.

But it's really, really hard.

Feather Brained Plans!

Tonight I am sitting in a camper with a space heater and lights, recently showered and only kind of freezing.  This is a vast improvement over the earlier portions of the week.

The Plan:  *Work Saturday night, finish about 5 and head 100 miles to Austin.
*Get some sleep.  Pack the car.
*Sunday evening, leave for Plano to pick up the camper.
*Start driving.  Sleep as needed.  *Drop the camper at a friend's in NC on Tuesday.
*Arrive in NJ for Wednesday.
*Be there for Mom during her surgery on Thursday.  Stay until after Christmas.
*Head to FL whenever the customers start showing.  Pick up the camper along the way.

The reality:  *Help another braider Saturday night and not get done until 11 am.  Drive 100 miles home.  *Sleep 2 hours.  Get up, mainline coffee, throw stuff in car.
*Hit weather on the way to Plano.  Finally arrive at 1 am.
*Learn to hook up camper ad sway bars in pouring rain at 40 degrees and strong wind.
*Learn to drive camper in same conditions.
*Lock up brakes trying to stop.  Notice that brake controller was never installed!
*Stop at a gas station and sleep in car because it is raining too hard to get to camper (which has sprung a leak so the interior is soaked).
*Stop in Bossier City, La and have brake controller installed.
*Travel 50 miles.  Hear engine go BOOM! followed by BoomBoomBoomBoom.
*Call AAA.
*Sit on side of road for hours waiting for a tow truck before they call back to say no one is coming.
*Get rescued by state police.
*Spend night in dark, wet camper in wrecker yard.  Tow truck driver has pity and buys breakfast to be nice.
*Get car repaired.  Empty out bank account.
*Get back on road.  Travel 4 hours until sun starts to go down.
*Notice that the dashboard lights are not working.  Stop at rest area to investigate.  Discover that the entire rig (truck and trailer) is dark.
*Realize thanks to iPhone maps and Google that you are 50 miles from the nearest gas station.  Confirm suspicion with nearby trucker.
*Settle in for a night in the wet camper with no heat (furnace is broken and replaced with space heaters) and no power.  Note that the weather is predicting temps in the 20s.
*In morning, try to figure out where fuse box might be.  Consult owners manual.  Ask for help deciphering owners manual.  Give up.  Call RV place.
*Spend too much money to have a fuse upgraded.
*Continue driving into night.
*Stop for coffee two hours from planned stopping point.  Find out that just ahead there is a weather system.  Note truckers comment "the mountain is WHITE!"
*Do GPS search for nearest KOA.  Follow directions.
*Discover directions are wrong.  Back slowly down the country road to a parking lot big enough to allow a turn around.
*Get back on highway.  See sign for KOA at next exit.  Follow signs.
*Spend an hour trying to figure out why the camper won't get power.  Think of breaker.  Discover it tripped.  Flip breaker.  Get power.
*Blog
*Wonder how the next 800 miles of the trip will go.

You just can't make this stuff up.

Duck, duck..and AWAY!!

So I am barreling down to my very, very long trip this winter.  I will go to NJ for the holidays and then to FL for the winter shows.  I have decided to skip coming back in between as the week at home doesn't really justify the extra 3500 miles of travel.  I also spoke to DW and once I get to NJ and get settled we are going to add the running back into the program.  In other words, after Sunday my life will be totally unrecognizable.

In a weird way, my travel schedule for the next year creates it's own plan for development.  I will do roughly a month of indoor training in NJ then head south.  There I will spend three months training in flat, windy conditions.  Then I will return to Texas and train on the rolling hills (mountains, I tell you, mountains) here during the spring.  After that, I will travel to Michigan which situates me close enough to ski country to up the ante a little more, then head to the Rocky mountains (real mountains... *whimper*) for the remainder of the summer.  Then I will return home for the fall.  Presumably fit.

This schedule, by itself, should lay the ground work for athletic development.  I'll admit it feels a bit like I am getting ready to leave for boot camp, or college, or rehab, or something.  It will be the duck, living in a 35 year old airstream with the dogs, traveling like a vagabond, working and training... and little else for ten months.

Along the way, I will no doubt do a lot of hiking, maybe some camping.  I will train in a variety of beautiful places.  Perhaps I will get over my mental block regarding picture taking.  I suspect I will find out how many ways an old camper can break.  No doubt, there will be plenty of interesting things to post to this page.  If I allow it, these months should be powerful, transformative, and cool.

DW feels that in 8 months or a year, the duck will be a whole different bird.

All I can say is that if I can stay the course, I don't doubt that I will see massive change.  I just hope that the change does not include becoming a certain yellow skinned cartoon character who has lost the power of speech and resorts to throwing cats.

Duck in the Wind

I am still traveling.  This summer has brought me to the edge of the Grand Traverse Bay, the fields and farms of the Bluegrass region, and now to Texas hill country.  I had a week off between Kentucky and Texas and spent some serious quality time in the state and national forests between Lexington and Dallas. Hiking and trail running renewed my love for the run.   My foot seemed inclined to forgive me my indiscretions as well.

However, after arriving in Texas, renewed and refreshed... feeling strong, I attempted a short, slow run one night on a treadmill.  My ankle and foot flared up worse than ever and I am coming to the realization that if I am able to run again, it won't be for a very long time.  Night after night, working on my feet, the injury has gotten progressively worse.  I am deeply concerned about the state of the Achilles tendon, which unlike plantar fasciitis, can get worse and result in a rupture which would prevent me from working as well as working out.  I am reluctantly taking the need for R&R seriously.

There is a lot of upheaval in my life right now and I am considering a move to alleviate the volume of travel while increasing my workload.  Hours spent in the car are neither profitable, productive or enjoyable.  If I sacrifice proximity to the ocean and living every day under the shade of coconut palms, I may be able to improve the overall quality of life.   These are the big questions and I need a few long hours on the bicycle to figure it out.

It's fine for dust to be in the wind, but these days, I am in the wind.  The feeling is both disconcerting and liberating at the same time.

Amazing trails and technical difficulties

After leaving the MC Escher trail behind me, I headed up to Virginia for a night.  I got to ride on the W&OD trail near Leesburg.  My Facebook post summed it up...

"Yesterday I got a chance to ride on the W&OD trail. Almost 50 miles one way of two lane bike trail, framed by lush greenery, blooming dogwoods, redbuds, cherries, babbling brooks. I think I died and went to bicycle heaven... Or Virginia, as the case may be."

Then we headed to NC where I rode early one morning in the cold and rain.  I think I meee-e-e-e-lted a little, as any good Florida witch would.  I rode out feeling rather proud of my dedication, ahem (OK, I know people all over the world ride in much worse).  I had also forgotten to put in my contact lenses so in addition to the rain making my brakes sketchy and the mist reducing visibility, my own God-gifted vision left road hazards indistinguishable from puddles.  Sooo... I headed down every hill braking hard and then at the bottoms had to face nasty climbs with no momentum built up.  It was then that I got the memo about fixing that little gearing problem I have encountered in the past.  My chain wouldn't shift onto (and stay on) any of the largest rings in my back cassette.  In other words, no granny gear, not even an aunt Martha gear.  Can you say "push that bike up that hill in freezing rain"?....  yummy. 

When I returned to SC, I rode the Escher Trail again but this time, I was thinking outside the box (and I studied the map).  Somehow, the whole place made sense and I went thirty out of forty-five miles without being lost for a moment.  Around mile 25, I thought the bike handling seemed sluggish, but given the state of the bike, I dismissed it with a quick glance at my tires.  As my heart rate climbed, my speed dropped and no gearing in the world seemed to help.  Then I realized that my back tire, while not apparently popped was holding very little air.  Since I have changed that back tube roughly every thirty miles lately, I just rode home on low pressure and resolved that the bike needed to visit the bike doctor as soon as I got home.

Sure enough, the bike was out of adjustment and the tire was in desperate need of retirement.  So I venture out on the bike again today, and hope that Trigger will be feeling up to a fast, fun ride down the debris littered roads of Sunny South Florida.  Home Sweet Home.

Wicked fast ride... and ants.

Well, a nagging heel pain has erupted into a blinding heel pain virtually overnight so RW has jerked all the running out of my schedule for a while and I have to do that which I hate..... STRETCH.  And not just any stretch, calf and foot stretches.  I am not inclined to argue when the pain is bad enough at times to prevent me from refueling after a ride because I am afraid I will be sick. 

After today's ride, I stretched and stretched and stretched some more.  Then I ate my banana. 

Then I noticed that I had done all that stretching while standing on an ant hill.  The little bastards waited until they had all crawled into the cracks and crevices of my shoes before snacking on my flesh, alerting me to their presence.  So after my ride and my stretching, I danced a little jig.  ANTS, ANTS, ANTS!!!!

But still, the ride was fast... 20 mph average, 27 max.  I was feeling good, attacking on hills, and pulling long stretches at a 20-22 pace.  (Yes, I know this was not a race but I am not the only one that gets aggressive on this ride.)  Right as I started to tire, the pack behind us caught up at a long light.  They were fresher and I got to grab a wheel for a while.  The pace stayed crunchy and I felt strong heading up the hills back to the cars.  It was totally exhilarating and I feel fantastic right now.

Tomorrow I leave for DC and Raleigh for a short business trip.  Here's to hoping I can grab at least one chance to ride the W&OD trail near Leesburg.  I hear it is fantastic riding. 

In the meantime, I can't actually put much weight on this foot.  So raise a glass to running... AND WALKING like a Duck!  Cheers!