Turning Boulders Into Pebbles

Convincing my body that a normal sleeping pattern (what's normal?  I work insane hours!) is a good idea is harder than it seems.  After blogging all winter that I couldn't sleep, now I can't seem to stay awake.  After finding a formula… a mix of Valerian tea, magnesium, probiotics, and varying doses of melatonin… I not only have been sleeping, I can't seem to stop!!  Forget eight hours a night, it's more like nine, ten, twelve, throw in a nap (two hours today) for good measure!  I realize I was in a very, very deep deficit and a certain amount of recovery is going to take time.  I also realize that I periodically (like twice during my week in Tulsa) still work/train for periods greater than 24 hours without any sleep, but still!  I keep thinking that at any moment, I should emerge from the phone booth with a big, red letter emblazoned across my chest (SUPERDUCK!!  I like it!)

I have been able to cut back on my caffeine and feel pretty good most of the time. if I had an ounce of perspective on my training would probably acknowledge that things are trending in a good direction.  Unfortunately, all I can see is the shortfall.  DW has been having me do these longish (OK, short to some of you but long to me!) runs and now we have added speed work to them.  I keep thinking that they will get easier if I keep doing them.  It's not that I expect them to be a walk in the park but right now they are holding my feet to the fire and I am coming out of them totally trashed.  Plus, I am consistently falling slightly short of the goals.  It has been a little difficult to sort all of the physical input because of various extenuating circumstances but the constant is that I am not finishing these well at all.

Today was no different.  The run was shorter, though still longer than anything I had done prior to three weeks ago, and just supposed to be endurance miles.  The long run with the speed work is looming later in the week.    Yesterday was my long ride paired with a swim so I went into it a little fatigued and in spite of that felt pretty good through most of it… until the last half mile.  I had an original goal of finishing under a certain amount of time (1:06).  I got within a mile of the end and realized that I was going to beat that by a lot.  Then I got greedy and tried to push that last mile trying to finish as close to 1:00 as I could.  That would have put the pace well below my 5k pace for a much longer run and would have been the fastest time I had ever completed a longer run, racing or training.  I was 4 tenths of a mile from the goal and I blew up like an atom bomb.  Feathers and webbed feet went everywhere!!  (not really, but it's a great idea)  Less than .3 miles from being done, I broke to a walk.  I honestly didn't even know I was going to do it.  One minute I was running and pushing as hard as I could, the next I was walking.  Once I did, it was over.  I immediately tried to run again, not even trying to go fast.  Nope.  Walking again in a few hundred feet.  Each time I broke, I walked a little more and ran a little less until I couldn't even pull off a few steps.  I walked most of the last .25 miles and didn't even realize that I then went a .1 too far.  I was toast.  I finished in 1:08.

This is the second roasting of poultry that has happened lately.  First, I can't even tell you how pissed I am that I could have had a more modest accomplishment without any change in effort but didn't even make that goal because I got greedy.  Two, I am so disappointed in myself for yet another missed workout target.  I don't think the plan is for me to walk part (even a small part) of the assigned distance.  I think the point is to keep moving and to establish a sustainable pace.  There was very little wrong today except perhaps I am not someone who can go for that long without some electrolytes but really, all I had to do was keep fighting and trying.  I was so close but I was a greedy, greedy duck.

I also realize that at some point in that last part, I gave up.  I stopped trying and pushing.  I resigned myself to the failure and just walked.  That bothers me most of all.  It's one thing to miss a target when you try and struggle to the bitter end.  Lately, I have been letting myself off the hook a little too often.  I have had so many physical hurdles that I have learned, grudgingly, to be gentle with myself.  Now, it seems I am having trouble calling up the tenacity that I have always depended upon.  Had that been a race I would have been so disappointed.  I lost the mental game, again.  I have lost it a few times lately.  I think a little toughening up may be in order.  I suppose the balance between the two is a target in motion.

During the pre-bonk portion of the run, I did some thinking.  I have been feeling a little bit like a hopelessly bad athlete.  It seems like I headed down this road and a short distance into the journey, I rounded a bend and found the rest of the road blocked by a landslide.  In order to continue on this path, I have a whole mess of boulders that need to be moved.  Those boulders each have a label.  Extra weight, old injuries, arthritis, gluten, poor sleep, bad habits, poor nutrition, bad equipment, etc.  Some boulders will move more easily than others and a few will bring on another landslide if disturbed.  I would be great if I could clear every last pebble from my path, but really, I just need to move enough to pass.

I have begun this journey of taking care of myself, addressing as many of these limiting factors as I can.  I alternate though between being totally determined to do this and thinking I am just completely deluded.  It seems like I keep going over the same ground and not actually breaking through to the next level.  I ran like a duck when I started this blog and guess what… I still do.   Still, I guess I believe that at some point, I am going to break through this stuck phase and see significant progress because I am still trying, still working at it.  I still want to go down this path that is covered in all these big FREAKIN' ROCKS!!

Years ago, I frequented an online support forum that described trauma as a boulder.  I agreed at the time.  I felt like Sisyphus, pushing my boulder up the mountain.  The quote went on to promise that as time went on the boulder would become smaller and more manageable until finally it was nothing more than a pebble that could be slipped into a pocket.  It would never go because you cannot change your past but it would be a light burden.  That proved true.  That pebble is in my pocket and at times, it gets a little heavy and I have to hold it in my hand, but it is no longer a boulder that takes all my strength to move.  None of the challenges I am facing now will require that much strength.

Training, especially for someone with a lot of boulders, is a process.  It is a physical process, a learning process, an evolution of lifestyle.  These boulders in my life now are all much, much smaller than they were even six months ago.  Unfortunately, I cannot tell how many more still need to be moved before the path is cleared.  Each limiting factor is something that can be identified, addressed, and ultimately, hopefully, managed or removed.  As I learn to manage each, it takes less thought and becomes simply a way of life.  In other words, they become pebbles.  I will always be running with a pocket full of pebbles but that is a lot easier than being crushed under a landslide.

Recipe For Roast Duck

Yesterday was a nice, hot Texas day.  The only thing that was missing was the deep humidity of Florida.  Apparently, I can't feel dry heat.  I would have told you it was high 70's or low 80's (try low-mid 90's) when I headed out for my long run with speed work in the middle.

I did not bring any water since there are water fountains on the trail and I hate carrying anything.  This is fine if it is under 90 degrees but not so fine for what we had yesterday.  I started the run feeling ok, though I had to slow myself down a few times (ease off the gas, you've got a long way to go!) but as things progressed, fine became a memory.  During the third interval, I felt myself blow up and I ended up walking between the third and fourth and after the fourth before the balance of the mileage.  I had passed several water fountains early on because my stomach was upset but later regretted that.  I got really thirsty during the second interval but didn't find water right away.  By the time I spotted one, I was really getting desperate.  I ran up to it only to find it broken, as was the next one I found.  At this point, I knew I might be getting into some trouble.  I kept running but my pace dropped to a crawl.

I eventually did find one… after close to 5 miles.  I got a drink and headed over the bridge.  Of course, lapping water at a water fountain did not give me enough to replenish what was lost.  By the time I got to the other side I was toast.  I started walking frequently and was REALLY lightheaded.  I came to another water fountain, then another maybe a quarter mile further down, where I also ate a gel.  Right after that one was a water station run by a local business (there are a number of these in Austin).  At that one, I was able to drain a cup of water.  This added up to a second wind, unfortunately there was no water for the remainder of the run… another 3.5 miles.  By the end, I was struggling to jog a few minutes between walk breaks.

When I got back to my car, I drained a bottle of water and immediately got stomach cramps.  That actually didn't surprise me so I wasn't too worried but it was a while before I could get my recovery drink into my stomach.  Eventually I did, though not in the recommended thirty minutes.  It was more like an hour and a half.  I then cancelled my plans for the evening and went to bed early.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you roast a Duck!

A Deep, Heartfelt Apology

Well, I spent a week in Tulsa and before I left I spent a day appreciating Tulsa.  This is something I rarely do.  I travel to different cities because they host a horse show, work like a crazy thing, and leave without ever seeing the city.  Years ago I went to the Tulsa horse show and found it the city to be… undesirable.  I wrote a blog entry likening the feel of the city to the baleful stare of a refugee.  The first six days I was in Tulsa did nothing to change my mind.  The final day, however, made me realize that I owed this city an apology.

Real life Mater seen on a street in Austin

My long run on Friday took me down Historic rt. 66, which is lined with junkyards, pawn shops, and buy here-pay here lots.  I did not see any members of the cast of "Cars", though 'Mater may have a cousin or two residing in this vicinity.  As a ran, crunching along on broken glass, navigating the curb most of the time because there was neither a sidewalk nor a shoulder to speak of, I lost all interest in the historic qualities of the route.  Most of my remaining runs were in a tiny park near the campground.  It was two large sink holes with a gravel path along their edges.  It wasn't scenic and the path was only about .3 mi, but at least it was free of traffic and broken glass.

The last day, however, I ventured outside of my 2.5 mile radius and discovered something.  There is a beautiful city with a lot of great offerings waiting for anyone who wishes to simply cross the river!! Since I couldn't get a camper spot at the park in Austin where I had my reservation until Tuesday, I did my long ride in Tulsa and then went exploring a little bit.  I didn't get pictures of some areas but did stop at one point for photo ops.

I discovered a few things.

1.) Oklahoma?  NOT FLAT!!  1145 ft of elevation gain in my little 40 mile ride from exactly three hills.  Not the Alps, but seriously?  NOT FLAT!  I was whizzing down one of the hills at one point when I felt the back of the bike go all wobbly.  Flat tire… at 36 mph.  Awesome.  I got nearly to the top of the next rise on that flat since I didn't relish the idea of climbing that thing from a standstill before I had to stop to change it.  I recently upgraded my tires and this was my first flat on them.  I must have struggled with it for 20 minutes before I finally wrestled it off the rim.  Apparently the key is to use all three tire levers together and scream obscenities at the top of your lungs!  I ended up having to cut the ride short since I didn't have the time (or the water and nutrition) to be out for an extra half hour.

And I thought "Oh, how cute!  A little hill in OK!"  

2.)  Oklahoma?  Not bland.  The road was, at worst, completely useful and at it's best, totally beautiful.  Lush greenery and blooming trees made it easy on the eyes and tough on the sinuses.  There were parks everywhere with stunning landscaping, natural areas that were lush and emerald green, a fabulous paved bike path that wound along the river and offered a perfectly civilized place to get some mileage, though speed was reduced to accommodate tight turns and short, steep climbs, the worst of which was at the end of the trail right before it turned to dirt for the mountain bikers.

3.)  Oklahoma?  Not all apple pie.  The architecture of the city was fabulous.  There was a great deal of obvious European influence.  Many of the apartment buildings had stucco exteriors with cast iron balconies, decorated with flowering plants, giving the impression of the streets of Italy.  The houses were interesting and diverse, many of which looked like they could have been plucked from the streets of Amsterdam or an English countryside.  Of course for every adorable Tudor, there was a noble old Colonial to remind you that you are in the heart of the United States.  I am afraid I did not get any good pictures of this.

4.)  Oklahoma?  Not a refugee.  But the sadness that I picked up on the first time was still there.  The heavy presence of Native American history and heritage is both proud and poignant.  Make no mistake, time does not heal all wounds.

Here is a day in Tulsa, OK in pictures:

Rose Garden

Gardens and Mansion

He let me crawl up to him and snap his pic!

"Do you mind some hills?" the LBS guy says...

Cool rocks

Bench... in case you get tired.

Love this 

On another note, I have posted about the scale free lifestyle, as have a number of others whose blogs I follow.  Here is another person weighing in on the subject.

When I was almost back to Austin, I stopped at a rest area and was reminded why I LOVE this city...

 So concludes the trip to Tulsa, OK.  Tulsa, you have my deepest apologies.

The Post You Should Have Read Last Week.

Written on 4/18/2012:

I don't currently have a working internet connection so I am working in a word processing program and this post may be slightly out of date by the time you read it.  Still, I am finding that the act of writing these posts is so cathartic that I have become fairly dependent on blogging for sanity (sounds like a charity event)!  Acquiring a portable hot spot (and for that matter a new iPhone) is on the to-do list.

As I posted last week, I headed back to Austin.  It was so good to be back in my home city.  It is the most fantastic place I think I have been.  Of all he aspects of my crazy life that I appreciate the most, it has been the freedom to live wherever I want.  I am truly blessed to be able to really follow my heart.

I am also really grateful for certain things in my life that are really working on my behalf right now.  This year and last, with this week being no exception, has been a true trial.  I have felt like I was on the ocean in a storm for much of it.  Stability and predictability have become distant memories.  Instead I have been forced to learn to navigate without any help, to be my own support network, to find things like stability and comfort within.  Through everything, training has been something of a life raft and my training (Thank you DW!) has become True North.

When I got home this past week, I found that the duplex had several water leaks inside the walls.  While I was gone, black mold has taken over large areas of wall behind the washer and dryer, and in the spare bedroom.  Quite a few of my belongings were destroyed and now there is a legal battle looming on the horizon with the landlord.  I am not going to go into details but I think I am coming from a pretty solid position legally, however the idea of going to court just makes me tired.  The worst part was the fact that much of what was destroyed held great sentimental value.  All of my remaining horse equipment (helmet, chaps, boots, etc.. the things I have to have to swing a leg over a horse.), family photos albums, all my childhood photos including the only photos left of me and my father, my entire art portfolio which chronicled my development as an artist and a person throughout my life, rare books I had collected throughout my life… all gone.  Essentially, all my ties to my past, my previous interests and the roads I no longer walk, were destroyed.

I moved out of the duplex and fully into the camper.  When it was done, I allowed myself to feel it.  I was surprised to find myself crying… a grief that felt like it had come from someplace much deeper than the loss of some paper.  It seemed appropriate and for a change, I didn't fight it.  I guess I was saying goodbye.  My life has been boiled down to a 200 sq ft living space and a 10x10 storage unit.  Still, as I trundled down the road yesterday on my way to the next horse show, Airstream bouncing along behind me, I couldn't help feeling kind of free.  I have my pups, my bike, my running shoes, and a place to crash at the end of the day.  I have everything I NEED.  I have only memories of the past and whatever I chose to make of my future.

There was an article in a trucker magazine at a truck stop on the way to Tulsa titled "Triathlete Trucker".  This man, Siphiwe Baleka, has integrated triathlon training and life as a trucker, taking advantage of the unique opportunities, and negotiating the considerable challenges the lifestyle presents.  I am not a trucker but I could really relate to his struggle.  I was also really inspired by his ability to adapt on the move to his surroundings, working out in picnic areas, truck stops, or on a cardboard mat beside his truck.  He took it to another level, developing a workout DVD for truckers, a database of YMCA pools and selling protein bars.  It was great to be reminded that it can be done, the excuses are just that… excuses.  Life really is what you make of it.

I had a really good run tonight.  As usual, DW was right.  LOSE the data.  I have relaxed, started enjoying the runs and have been working on using my body in a relaxed, but athletic way.  When I do this, then pick up my cadence, I can actually get somewhere in a hurry!  I am just not fit enough or strong enough to sustain it…YET.

On another data related note, I did get on my scale when I got home and discovered that I had managed a perfectly respectable weight loss for the winter months. I then packed the scale up and left it in storage.  Regardless of what it says, I am happier when I focus on making good choices a lifestyle, especially since I am finally starting to relax and really enjoy those changes.  Overall, I feel like all of these little things are baby steps towards a healthier, happier, more whole and balanced life.

Back Home, Sort Of.

I did it!  I made it!  WEF 2012, Pin Oak and Spring Gathering are all in the books.  I dropped my helper off at the airport, packed up the camper and headed for Austin today.  I plan to be running the town lake trail first thing tomorrow morning and out on the bike anywhere I can later in the day.

I put the camper into a midtown park and plan to keep staying in it while I move out of my duplex.  I have a week to accomplish this and I will need to keep from falling into a funk.  I expect a firestorm of conflicted emotions once this begins.  I love that place but I calculated that I have spent $9000 in duplex related expenses since the last time I laid eyes on the place.  That money could have done a lot of good in other areas of my life or purchased a seriously sweet bicycle!!  Right now, I am in a place in my life where it just does not make sense to have a brick and mortar home.  That said, I am still determined to identify Austin with home.  It is going to be a little tough to keep from feeling rootless but I have accepted my current life circumstances and am willing to make some sacrifices for the sake of my future goals.

After that, I have a light one or two weeks in Tyler, followed by another two weeks split between Austin and Houston.  I am hoping that I can quickly begin to reap the rewards of a trimmed down lifestyle and keep my focus forward.

I went clothes shopping yesterday and found that I have dropped another size in jeans.  That left me feeling really good about my body and my weight right now.  It's not that I am at my goal but instead, I feel like I have made definitive forward progress.  In that respect, this winter was a resounding success.  I had a multitude of setbacks, from pneumonia to insomnia, and yet I have to look behind me to see where I was five months ago.

I think this week is going to be the start of working on building speed in the run.  I have been asking for this (sometimes politely and occasionally throwing a tantrum) for a while now.  DW has kept me firmly in check because he felt like the potential for injury was just too great.  Now, according to our last couple of conversations, he is more confident in my ability to handle it.  I am both thrilled and wary.  Past experience has taught me to watch what I wish for.

Regardless, a new chapter begins this week.  I am optimistic, but with a certain caution that comes with surviving an a$$ kicking... and the last five months have been a MOST PROFOUND a$$ kicking!!

Deep breath... BRING IT ON!

Crazy Weekend Leads To Divorce!

This week was a crazy intense week at the horse show.  Another braider, who had a huge list, went down in emotional flames and everyone had to step up to close the gap.  That, along with several bailouts due to last minute changes to the ring schedules meant that I braided much more than usual.  I have two very unhappy hands right now.

Technically, these are the same hand.  The other is holding the camera.

I kicked the week off with a massive spasm in my left trapezius muscle that ended up getting my lat in on the party.  Not only did it prevent movement of the arm and head, it clamped down on my broken (long ago and badly healed) ribs so that breathing became a form of torture.  I ran to the nearest massage envy and got one of the worst deep tissue massages ever.  I will say that the guy managed to release the spasm but since he felt the need to grind his elbow into cold muscles with no effort to build up to maximum pressure, I spent the rest of the week healing the damage that he did.  I was totally out of action Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

However, on the upside, I had a nice run on Friday and again today.  The really big thing here is that today's run was after braiding all night, then cleaning the camper since I have someone flying in tonight and staying with me this week.  No seriously, after braiding all night... that is HUGE!!  It is unprecedented for me to have this much energy after braiding, much less after the biggest week/weekend I have had since last July.  My nutrition and hydration were spot on this weekend but more importantly, I got sleep.  Not just some sleep... enough sleep.  I rocked 8-9 hours every day this week.  By the end of the week, I almost felt like skipping my morning coffee!  Normally, when I get sleep, I see a massive jump in my run performance but since this weeks runs were fresh off and injury and fresh off a night of braiding, only being off my best pace by 30 seconds seems pretty damn good.

I saw this today and thought it was a good reminder of why it is ok to be wherever I am right now, fast or slow, fit or... otherwise.

....for a very, very, very long time!

Now according to various online sources, losing ten pounds would drop 20 seconds per mile from my pace.  I figure I have roughly 30 pounds to lose, give or take, so I am forfeiting a minute per mile.  I have been fairly mellow about my diet lately.  It has felt pretty balanced so I am hoping that I can allow myself to continue on this (very comfortable) path for a while and still see results.  I am, at present, having to actively resist the urge to become aggressively focused on my diet, which I don't doubt would yield results and make me even more nuts.

Speaking of nuts, I have a confession.  I love them.  I cannot be trusted with them.  They are my one true downfall.  I am beginning to think that I may have to divorce them, and their buttery offspring.  Raw nuts, roasted nuts, mixed nuts, single nuts, every variety of nut butter.  If they are near, I will eat them to the exclusion of everything else.  I am talking about a complete loss of control.  Now, I have come to the realization that buying peanut butter (or any other nut butter) and taking it home is a really bad plan.  I had been limiting myself to brief, single serving liaisons with my love while on the road (note: I am always on the road) but even those clandestine meetings have proven to be a gateway back to dysfunctional relationship land.

SO....  Peanut butter, my darling, it cannot be between us.  I am leaving you once and for all.  I love you but you hurt me.  You tempt me with your crunchy goodness and then you leave me bloated and broken.  I deserve better than this.  I deserve the love of another, one who will be as kind to me as I am to him.  I am leaving you for Asparagus!  Leave and never return!!

WHO doesn't love ROSIE!!

Rides, Runs, and Thunderstorms!

Today was a good day to be on a bicycle, even one that doesn't fit you.  I met up with some friends and we had a nice ride down a beautiful country road west of Houston.  The weather would have struggled to be any better and the pace of the ride was nice and relaxed.  We had two riders with us that were not up to hammering today for different reasons, so I spent a lot of time sitting on the front just keeping a steady, easy pace.  I peeled off at the end so that I could get my full time in while the rest went back to the coffee shop where we met up for smoothies.  I ran into them when I was done and sat for a chat before riding back to the RV park.

I did find out that when I am not pressing the pace, it is much easier to forget hydration and nutrition.  At one point, I did a short sprint and realized I had no gas in the tank.  That was when it dawned on me that I had consumed less than four hundred calories in six hours and had completed a run and most of a long ride.  Also, I had taken in about 1/3 of a bottle of water in 90 mins.  (Wow, I hope DW doesn't know this blog exists!)  I quickly ate a gel and drank some water but ended up only being able to pick the pace up slightly after leaving the group.  There is a strong lesson here.  Had that been a race, I would have blown it.

I was being petulant, cranky, and stubborn with DW on the phone today.  I have been getting easily irritated by my less than stellar run paces.  He keeps trying to get me to forget the pace and relax into the run.  I keep wondering why I am arguing with him on this point.  I don't want to enjoy running.  I want to get better at it.  I enjoy working hard on a problem and seeing the result of that hard work.  Running is such a thorn in my side because I feel hopeless when I do it.  If I am really focusing on my breath, form, pace, etc, then I am doing my job and the feelings of hopelessness don't take over.

The problem with feeling that way is that I really want to see certain results down the road.  The idea that I will always suck at this scares the daylights out of me.  I get angry because I have a fight/flight instinct that is perversely weighted to the fight side.  When I get scared, I respond with logic, determination/stubbornness, and ultimately, anger.  Ultimately, the solution is, well, working on a solution.

On another note, the drive to Texas was a little bit eventful.  I had to stop in Lake Charles while a big, bad, nasty storm sat just west of me and blew itself out.

Clearly, my co-pilots were not worried.

But travel can still be just exhausting!!