Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Duck is Stuck.

The turmoil ridden events of the last several months have caused a big setback in my fitness.  Overwork and stress led to exhaustion and depression.  All this led to an injury that has kept me benched in the running department for a while. 

But that is not it.  That is what I tell myself and others, but that is not it.

My new job is prompting a move to California.  I love Florida and have known greater happiness and success here than any other place I have lived.  My old job caused me great injury and the horrendous schedule damaged my life, my body, and my training, but it was also something I understood.  I knew how to be resourceful and make a living with that job.  As much as it sucked, I trusted it.  My new job requires me to expand and grow to be successful.  I have to master new skills and live a forward thinking life.

  I read somewhere that all endurance athletes are running from something.  I can't say that I am the exception to that. 

California is where I grew up, so going there is a little like going back... something I have never done.  I have to go back and the only thing I associate with my past is pain.  I have been paralyzed in my own life lately.  I am not earning (though it is the off season down here and my earning potential here is small.... hence the move, but I am not trying either).  All I can think about is the move but I feel like I am encased in cement indecision. 

The worst part is that I realize that I am not going to be able to do the move without help.  I don't know who I will ask, or for what, but I will have to hold my hat out and ask for aid.  That is not easy for me. 

The last week has been an exercise in the art of escapism.  Thankfully, I have not decided to go on a whiskey or cookie binge, or something equally self-destructive.  Rather, I am hiding.  I am watching TV (on the computer).  I never watch TV.  That is why I don't have a TV. 

I thought about cancelling Netflix, but then I would just pick up a book, or a magazine, or something.  It's not about the escape vehicle, it's what you are running from that needs to be fixed. 

Normally, I dive into my workouts but this time I am avoiding them.  Not the solo workouts, the group workouts... the workouts that I live for... the ones I love. 

I think I am pulling away from everything because I am scared.  I am scared of the pain I am going to feel when I tear myself away from everything I love here.  I am scared that I will fail and yet that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy soon if I do not get my shit together.  But then I think that is it.  I am scared.  So scared that I am putting my head in the sand.  I am pretending that life is not marching forward with me in tow.  I have emotionally curled into the fetal position and declared that I cannot do this.  I am not this strong.

Problem is that I am also a master of putting one foot in front of the other.  Moving like a zombie through the hardest parts of life just to keep going.  And I am continuing forward.  I am slowly packing.  I did put in notice with my building.  I am severing ties with the life I have here. 

The problem is that I am waiting on something to begin establishing ties to my new life there, starting with renting an apartment.  That is the reason for the increasing sense of both panic and rootlessness. 

Why am I not renting an apartment and booking the move?  Because I am waiting on my boss to provide the trailer I am supposed to use to transport my things across the country.  Until I know when I will have that, I don't know when I will move out.  The trip across the country will take about 8 days and most landlords will only hold a unit for 7-14 days.  After that I am paying rent on an empty unit which I cannot afford to do. 

So, it is like I am stuck at the starting line and the race just won't begin.  The pre-race jitters are starting to overwhelm me.

That is it. 

But my foot also hurts, which hardly helps.

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